We’ve heard the pros and cons. Social media has been called everything from de facto democracy to ceaseless selfie. What if three great minds could get together and debate the issue? That’s the idea I pitched to Hollywood. Every word of dialogue in the following screenplay is authentic, except for those of your humble host, which are made up. All panelists and phone-in guests speak in their own words, quoted verbatim (though out of context, of course).
“Celebrity Roundtable”
FADE IN:
INT. TV STUDIO – DAY (2013)
The show host and three guests sit at a round wooden table. A conference speakerphone is on the table.
HOST (into camera)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Celebrity Roundtable. Our topic today is “Social Media, Good or Bad?” On our studio panel we have Ken Burns, Kim Kardashian, and Ashton Kutcher. Ken.
KEN BURNS
Everything in our media culture is narcissistic, it’s all about you. We don’t actually experience real life.
HOST
Kim, you’re a media sensation. You have a reality show; what could be more real than that? How do you react to Ken’s criticism?
KIM KARDASHIAN
I love when people underestimate me and then become pleasantly surprised.
HOST
Ashton, what’s your view?
ASHTON KUTCHER
A lot of people use social media to share mundane things or for self-glorification. I try to use it to share interesting things with people.
KIM KARDASHIAN (to Kutcher)
When there’s so many haters and negative things, I really don’t care.
HOST
Ashton, how about Kim’s point of view?
ASHTON KUTCHER
The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart.
HOST
Ken, your assessment of Kim’s acuity?
KEN BURNS
The flame is not out, but it is flickering.
HOST (tapping speakerphone button)
Let’s go to the phone line. Our first caller is Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Hello, you’re on with Ken Burns, Kim Kardashian, and Ashton Kutcher. Mark, what makes Facebook important?
MARK ZUCKERBERG (on speakerphone)
I updated my grilling app, iGrill, today, and it now has Facebook integration that lets you see what other people are grilling right now around the world. Awesome.
KEN BURNS (sarcastically)
We don’t have to be slaves to our consumerism. We don’t have to be slaves to our narcissism.
HOST
On the phone now is Jesse Eisenberg, who played Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network. Jesse, you’re on.
JESSE EISENBERG (on speakerphone)
Look, I don’t have a Facebook page because I have little interest in hearing myself talk about myself any further than I already do.
KIM KARDASHIAN
I hate to talk about myself. I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal! Arms, bikini, legs, underarms … my entire body is hairless. I don’t talk about money.
ASHTON KUTCHER
I would just like a woman someday, somewhere, at some point in my life to say to me, “You’re a great listener.” Haven’t heard it yet.
HOST
Uh-oh, Ashton, our next caller is Demi Moore. Demi, how do you see social media?
DEMI MOORE (on speakerphone)
Twitter is about sharing, and I think that in life we never feel better or more energized than when we’re giving to someone else.
HOST
Demi, we won’t ask what you’d like to give Ashton because we’re on live television.
(taps phone button)
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EMMA STONE (on speakerphone)
I used to do Facebook but you get a little too wrapped up in that stuff. It’s more distracting than anything so I don’t any more. I left it behind. I detoxed!
HOST
Interesting. Ashton, what would you share with Emma Stone if she were in the studio right now?
ASHTON KUTCHER
The truth is that I’m an idiot. I am.
HOST
Do you buy that, Emma? What do you think of Ashton?
EMMA STONE (on speakerphone)
He’s my favorite! He wrote and produced, and starred in and cast all of his movies! Can you imagine?
HOST
I believe you’re thinking of Charlie Chaplin, Emma. Kim, Ms. Stone is young and beautiful. Any advice for the youngster as she moves on with her career?
KIM KARDASHIAN
Botox to me is not surgery.
HOST
Ken, any advice for Emma on how to relate to her fans?
KEN BURNS
Well, first of all let’s draw the line on torture.
HOST (taps phone button)
Our next caller is Anthony Weiner. You’re on.
ANTHONY WEINER (on speakerphone)
For the past few years I have engaged in several inappropriate conversations conducted over Twitter, Facebook, e-mail and occasionally on the phone with women I have met online.
HOST
Tell us something we don’t know.
(taps phone button)
It’s Steve Martin.
STEVE MARTIN (on speakerphone)
I thought if I had a Twitter feed and say I had a following of a 100,000, that means 100,000 of them would be interested in my book. It was logical, but it didn’t turn out to be true. It turned out if I had a Twitter feed of a 100,000, four of them were interested in my book.
HOST (taps phone button)
Our last caller is country singer LeAnn Rimes.
LEANN RIMES (on speakerphone)
Twitter can be great and very bad.
HOST
Well nuanced, LeAnn. Kim, a closing comment?
KIM KARDASHIAN
I’ve made mistakes in my life for sure.
HOST
Ashton?
ASHTON KUTCHER
The truth is that I’m an idiot. I am.
HOST (into camera)
Join us next week on Celebrity Roundtable when our topic will be “Science, Good or Bad?” At the roundtable will be Richard Dawkins, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Sarah Palin.
FADE OUT.
THE END
But of course it’s not the end. An academic research team recently reported that dogs trained to use a computer touchscreen without human intervention could assign complex color images into categories. The researchers concluded that, “using touchscreen computers with dogs opens up a whole world of possibilities.” Zuckerberg is already working on his next project: Facebark.